Whole Again
by JackpotGirl
Summary: Ashley Seaver joins the BAU for a bit or longer, we'll see. This follows season six closely, Ashley's POV, Reid-friendship, mabye more, don't like, don't read. Canon so far.
1. One oOo What Happens At Home

**Summary: **Ashley Seaver is the new girl at the BAU in Quantico, she faces hurdles, lots of them, colleagues that think she's incompetent, training lessons that take up all her energy and worst of all, her own demons. But she also finds something she never had before to help her through; a true friend in Spencer Reid.

_**Note**__: This will go along with the episodes of Criminal Minds season 6. Each chapter will contain a moment or so of the actual past episode (will be in italics), some inner monologue and missing scenes if I feel like it._

_I'm gonna stay canon for a while and maybe go AU if it feels right and I'm enjoying it but it's too early to say that yet._

_I hope that by getting into Ashley's head, some of the readers might rethink their resentment towards the character because I feel that she really has potential._

_Note, that I'm a shipper and no hint of that in the series will be left unexplored by me, if you don't like the pairing A/S, you might not enjoy this throughly but since they aren't a thing in canon yet, I think it's safe for you to read on, if you want. For now the pairing will be just a mention because that's what I do. :-P_

_The furthermost focus is on Ashley Seaver and how she settles in at the BAU._

_Updates will come with every passing episode and they won't be super long, maybe around 1200 words each._

**oO Whole Again Oo**

**Chapter One**

_What Happens At Home_

I sunk back into my seat as Rossi left me alone with my thoughts. My head was spinning. I don't know why I always keep bringing my Dad up. It's not doing any good, it just freaks people out. Even Rossi, even past the fact that he tried to console me, I could see that he found it hard, that he would never be able to fully comprehend. And he is the most famous BAU profiler. I'm not saying he should understand because I think in a way he does, I just think he can't imagine how it really is, how it feels like. I hardly believe anyone can.

I really needed to stop thinking about all of this. Things were the way they were and contemplating them, like I did so many times before, did not help, it just pulled me back down to a place I didn't want to be.

But then again I'd said yes when they presented me with this example case of basically my past. I ran right into it. Thinking I could help with my _unique insight_ and like always when I want to make something especially right, I completely messed up.

Where in usual cases this means going overboard with terminology-bragging in psychology-exams or milk through my nose trying to impress a guy by laughing hysterically at medium funny jokes, this time I ran into the arms of the unsub when I tried to return his wife's computer. I felt very heroic going there, wanting to apologize, disobeying orders to cleanse my concisions and I ended up both doing and saying all the wrong things that could've easily got me killed.

I felt so humiliated by my own stupidity and to top it all of, I just couldn't get Helen's face out of my head. The way she looked when she pleaded her father to stop. I hated the thought that she was facing the same kind of future I'd been faced with.

I hoped she would find adoptive parents quick and no one would ever have to know about her father, so she could at least appear to have a normal life.

Unlike me, the daughter of a serial killer, social outlaw whenever people got to know my real last name.

_Enough with the self-pity already_, I chastened myself, staring out into blackness. I'd been stupid and unprofessional, self-pity was not a privilege I'd earned.

I shut up mentally, at least tried to. I concentrated on occupying my head with other things, other things than failure and embarrassment. I tried to recall the things that went smooth on my trip.

In general everybody seemed nice, although I could feel everyone but Rossi look me down as if I was a possible liability, which I had – of course – proven myself to be just hours ago, so I couldn't blame them.

I was new and they were wary, that was normal. Still, I had to admit that they were making an effort which wasn't a given. Emily had been very supportive and I felt like she really wanted to get to know me where Morgan was polite but seemed unfazed. I mean, I got it, of course, he was on duty and there where certainly many things more important than trying to warm up to me. I wouldn't be so self-absorbed to believe that.

Dr. Reid also seemed nice. I turned around to see where he was on the plane and noticed him at the far end, sound asleep. He was handsome in a very frail and fragile kind of way and I smiled remembering how his voice broke when he told me he had an eidetic memory.

"_Has anyone vetted them?", Dr. Reid said, coming towards me and Rossi from the kitchen, I'd just seen him talk to a police officer._

"_Garcia is checking all the police staff", Rossi answered lightly._

"_Why?", I asked because it seemed peculiar to me that they would think of neighbor-hood securities as unsubs._

"_Law enforcement is the kind of job that would attract our unsub", Rossi answered me and that's when I dimly remembered a lesson in socio-economics talking about just that._

"_The BTK was a compliant officer in Park City, Kansas, the Hillside Strangler worked as a security guard in California and Washington", Reid said and it sounded like he was reciting from a book, my eyes were glued to his for a while before Rossi demanded my attention back._

"_Psychopaths love official jobs and uniforms"_

"_Yeah, that makes sense", I said and felt stupid for asking in the first place. But there was also another idea blooming in my mind. _

_I watched Reid return to his maps that he studied relentlessly and I wondered if he would know so much about people like my father, too._

"_All that stuff you said about BTK and the hillside strangler", I started carefully as I stepped up beside him, "that's all in your head?" _

_I really couldn't help the sound of admiration in my voice, because my curiosity aside, I really was impressed by his excessive knowledge._

"_Uh, I have an eidetic memory", he said and I could have sworn that his voice broke just at the first part, as if he'd had a hick-up or something. I would have noticed how charming and adorable it had been if I hadn't been focused on my agenda of getting some information out of him._

"_So you know everything my Dad did, then?", I pried and earned me a concerned look of his, I tried sounding less pathetic and more casual, adding a shrug to my last sentence "I only know what I was told and what was in the papers...I don't have a lot of details"_

_The moment I said it, I knew it must've sounded wacky. Reid shot me an irritated glance._

"_What sort of details -", he started but was cut off by Agent Hotchner and I opened my mouth to answer him but was gladly quick enough to close it again, noticing that this probably wasn't the best time to let a relative stranger tell me about all the ways my father had raped and killed twenty-five women. How weird was it that I wanted to know about that stuff in the first place?_

Reid turned in his seat and his motions woke me of my recalling, I had nothing short of awe for the fact that he was able to sleep on the shaky plane. I felt bad now, looking back on it, for asking him about my Dad, I didn't want to freak him out and so I walked over to him as we hit DC ground and we were all walking towards two parked SUV's.

I was going to join a ride with Prentiss and Morgan because they lived in the area of Arlington, where my hotel was for the time with the BAU but before that, I wanted to set the record straight with Reid.

"Dr. Reid?", I called after him and when he turned he was nice enough to wait a few paces until I had caught up with him.

"You don't need the Dr.", he said when I was level with him, "I mean, you can call me Reid or Spencer, I...you don't need to call me Dr."

"Thank you", I said truthfully and smiled just because I couldn't help, his courtesy was to die for, "I basically just wanted to say sorry for earlier, I really don't expect me to tell me all the gross details about my father's murders, that's...but sometimes I just get...uh, it's hard to explain...I want to know the truth in a sick masochistic way, I guess? Even if it's painful but I still feel like I need to know"

"I know the feeling", he said and just like that, just looking into his green-brown eyes, I believed him. Like a batter to my head I was suddenly dead curious again, how he knew how I felt, what he'd been through, because that he'd been through _something_ was obvious.

"Okay", I merely replied, holding my throbbing questions back with effort, "so I hope we're cool, I'm really sorry about it, honestly, I'm not gonna be go all creepy on you again from now on, promise" I tried a weak smile, wondering how weird this must've sounded.

"Yeah, we're cool", he sounded a bit funny and smiled back, wryly still, but at least he did.

And with that a nice comfortable feeling settled in inside of me.

_I like him_, I thought, I felt somehow connected to him, like he would understand me somehow, someday, _if_ we were to become friends in some way.

I certainly hoped so.

**Please don't kill me. I know many of you hate her with a passion but I really don't, so if you want to critique on my writing go ahead but if you're simply gonna hate on Ashley, I'd ask you dearly to do that somewhere else...I find it slightly sickening.**


	2. Two oOo 25 To Life

**Note: **If you haven't read the press release to "Corazon" yet, don't read the last six paragraphs! They contain spoilers! There is the F-word in this chapter, in case you're reading this to your children. What I'm not expecting. But now you've been warned.

**oO Whole Again Oo**

**Chapter ****Two**

_25 To Life_

I let my eyelids close for just one second. This case was a lot to wrap the head around. I couldn't imagine how Morgan must've felt, having this burden on his shoulders of everyone talking behind his back; about how he'd let a killer run free again.

I was actually happy for him that it was turning out he'd been right in his essential profiling of Mr. Sandersen, that everything looked in the poor guy's favor. Well, beside the man he actually _did_ kill but that went as self-defense as far as I knew.

Now, to find out who had really been plotting the murder and the cover-up, that was a question I felt utterly clueless with, I did juggle some thoughts around earlier but I didn't really feel like any of what I said had actually been helpful.

And if I had to be honest, I also felt a bit lost simply being there; the team was running like a well-oiled machine, almost as if they were giving each other cues. Morgan and Garcia, Emily and Rossi and Reid blabbering in between, I felt a lot like a rotten appendage, not because they were being exclusive or shutting me out, but because I missed cues or talked at the wrong places or said things that were already a given and they all looked at me as if I'd noted that the walls were painted dark red, something that was obvious for them all anyway.

I really had to step up my game if I wanted to have Hotch and Rossi keep me around for a little longer.

And I needed to get to know the others, hopefully make friends with them, at least with Reid, who was closest in age to me and who I still believed to have a lot in common with, even if I didn't know yet, what exactly it would be.

I saw him striding into the kitchen and decided on a whim to follow, maybe we'd connect a little.

Okay, so the idea that I wanted to connect with him was most likely a little premature, it was obvious that he wasn't overly comfortable with strangers or, well, women, but I wasn't sure if that was really it because he seemed fine and bubbly around Emily and Penelope. Maybe he just had a hard time warming up to _new women_ around him, stranger things have happened.

And I shouldn't be thinking so hard about this anyway, I thought. It was just that I'd seen a short glimpse of understanding back in Suburbia and it gave me hope of finally having someone who I could share my feelings with in a way that wouldn't produce repulsion or pity. I didn't want to give up on that prospect and so maybe I was pushing the making friends with him a little.

I reminded myself quickly that pushing is bad, though, especially with shy people, and so I tried to be as casual and un-pushy as possible, finding him at the coffee machine, pouring the dark fluid into his cup and adding around sixteen of these little packs of sugar.

"_Sounds like we need to profile a dormant killer", I said and leaned against the cupboard._

"_A very lucky one", he replied, still focusing on his sugar, I wondered how he would ever be able to drink this, it must've been easily two thirds sugar on one third watery coffee, "he was essentially given a gift, a patsy, in the form of Don Sandersen, he'd do everything to protect that story"_

"_When someone has a secret this big, everything becomes a lie", he'd turned his attention to me and I'd sneakily tried to hint on my past, gently and subtle, simply in adding another level to my conclusion, adding that "I've had secrets for a long time, I know how it is"-layer to my voice._

_Really not to make him talk to me about it, just to show that I _would_ talk to him about it, if he was going to ask me stuff. I figured with my best friend Gaila, when I met her that she was always hesitant to talk to me about my past and about anything important really, if I didn't subtly point her to the fact that it would be okay to ask and that I wouldn't shut her down. So I'd made that a habit, to ease the tension. Of course only with those I felt comfortable sharing, for all the rest, I was completely fine with their hesitation and the most common result; silence._

_I know, I'm weird like that. But I think he got it, even though he didn't pick up on it directly. _

"_It would most likely be pathological", he said and took a sip, miraculously he didn't flinch at the swill and he did seem to mimic my tone from before, as if he was replying to me on that second level of our conversation, the hidden one, if you like._

_Like he was also saying: "I know big secrets, I know how convenient continuous lies can be...and how dangerous"_

"_So we're looking for a liar in DC?", I said, deciding to stick to the main conversation, also because I didn't trust my judgment on him yet, he might not have tried to subtle answer me back to my subtlety, I didn't know him well enough to be able to tell for sure and then suddenly I had one of my moments and thought of a joke._

"_I thought we were trying to narrow this down", I said and shrugged because laughing about it would be stupid but I still wanted to emphasis the joke. I'd tell myself I did it because I thought he'd might miss it, from the serious conversation and all but there was no indication for it. The truth was probably that I wanted to impress him with my wittiness but why _that_ was my intention remained a riddle to me. Sure I wanted him to get along with me but he wouldn't need to think I'm super funny to do so. Sometimes I didn't understand how my own brain worked._

_Way to be a profiler, Ashley!_

_I also couldn't explain to myself how just the tiniest hint of a smile on his face as he nodded filled me with a kind of "Mission Accomplished"-pride. It was truly irrational; so I'd made a little joke and he acknowledged it somewhat, big deal. I couldn't decipher the urge of patting my own shoulder at that notion. It felt a bit like Middle School, before I'd known about my Dad, when I wore that ridiculously short and tight skirt and Manny Tanner said "Sweet" when I passed him by._

_Needless to say, two minutes later, my books dropped and me, not being used to wearing skirts, dipped just so that my Care Bear panties were exposed to the entire cafeteria._

_Reid had turned his gaze back to his coffee and together we walked back to the bullpen. And then I noticed something else blending in with my uncalled for feeling of triumph; I felt more comfortable. Not entirely but still, I'd had a nice short conversation about the case and he hadn't seemed like he found my opinion insignificant, it felt like it had mattered. That made me proud._

Along with the fact he'd almost-smirked at my joke.

At the end of this long day, when Morgan, Rossi and Emily had gone to arrest the plotting politician, I grabbed my coat and found Reid at the elevator doors.

"Hey", I said, "long day right? But a good one, since you guys found the true killer and all"

"All of us did", he looked down to me as we entered the elevator, "_You_ helped, too"

"Well", I shrugged, still not entirely convinced that I'd done a big part in solving the murder mystery but none the less touched by his words. He'd at least noticed my effort.

"Hey, you did really good", he reaffirmed quietly and it sounded almost timid, as if he wasn't sure if he could say that to me, "I hear you're continuing your training here at the BAU?"

"For now", I answered truthfully, crossing my fingers behind my back that it wouldn't just be the next six weeks that Rossi had allowed me to stick around and get hands-on-experience in the field, "maybe if I refrain from walking into the arms of another unsub I could work here some day, profiling really intrigues me"

"Well, I got myself held hostage by a schizophrenic once and they still kept me", he said lightly but his eyes darkened visibly. I was again struck with curiosity but wasn't sure how much deeper I could dig without being intrusive.

"Oh", I was unable to stop that, "I bet that isn't the nicest of memories"

"No it's not", he pursed his lips and then added with a smile, "I've had my fair share of unpleasant memories"

Damn him and his allusive comments, I would never be able to have a normal conversation with him in which I wouldn't have to hold myself back from asking for his life story.

"One of these days we need to play the good old 'Whose past is more fucked up'-game, you just made it sound like you could be the first one to actually beat me", I half-laughed, wanting to take of the curious edge and trying desperately to keep the question-mark out of my voice.

"Oh, I'd beat you", he laughed a cute nasal-snorty laugh, "I'd beat almost everyone"

I looked up at him and smiled brightly, "I hereby take on that challenge"

I expected him to smile back and maybe even shake my hand in a mocking, sportsman-kind of way but instead his face twitched and his hand shot to his temples. He looked like he'd been struck by an especially painful lightning.

"Are you okay?", I said and reflexively put my hand on his free arm.

"Yeah", he said but shook his head, as if to shake off the pain, "I've been having migraine lately, it's nothing bad, just annoying"

Yet again, I felt like he wasn't telling me the whole story but now I felt more inclined to ask follow up question because I didn't feel excitingly curious, but _worried_ now, starring at his face wreathing in pain.

"Why, this doesn't look like nothing bad, Spencer", I was surprised at myself for using his first name and it felt funny on my lips, but then the situation to me, called for the urgency only first names could provide, "I would have that checked out"

"It's really nothing", he repeated himself and as if spiteful suddenly let his hand drop and sported a plucky, crooked smile.

I furrowed my brow, hoping to get my "I'm not convinced and I will keep an eye on you"-look right that I'd usually practiced for future suspects in interrogation.

But that was about all I felt okay doing, anything further would have meant stepping a boundary that I didn't feel safe crossing yet, especially not knowing how he would feel about it.

"How do you get home?", I asked lamely instead.

"Bus", he said curtly and bit his lip, I knew his head was still hammering, I could see his eyes flicker but he wasn't going to let me comment on it again.

"Me, too", I said inconspicuously, "Line 19 northbound"

"I'm Line 19 westbound", he informed me, "so we can walk to the station together"

I nodded but my smile was pretend, I was still looking out for his fleeting eyes.

No, this really didn't look like it was nothing.

**Ah, I know this is torturous, I'm annoyed at myself but I couldn't help hinting a bit at the plot of Corazon, I don't know yet how they will play out that story line but I hope that they won't torture our poor Genius too much, he's had it petty bad already, don't you think?**

**See you all after the Holiday-break!**

**(Reviews make me one happy clam – and since I'm not getting any Christmas gifts this year, they also make great substitute gifts ;D) **

_**Special Reference Quiz**_**: The one who can tell me which backstory element is a reference to Rachel Nichol's past in acting get's a virtual cookie! HINT: It's something Reid would definitely know. **


	3. Three oOo But Once A Year

**Note: **This is a completely missing scene. It could be that I have to alter it later to make it fit into the time-line of the series but for now, I think it's a nice Christmas scene. I hope you enjoy.

**oO Whole Again Oo**

**Chapter Three**

_Christmas Comes But Once A Year_

I shuffled slightly uncomfortable in my chair, looking over Emily's shoulder to study a case file. The pictures were crude but they didn't do the truth any justice. I was happy about that. But they did manage to bring the memory of this past case back. I still needed to get comfortable with the fact that, if I stayed in my desired line of work, if I'd be good enough, dead bodies would also be a part of that path. My life would be plastered with corpses. A mocking voice in my head said "_Just like your Dad's_" but I tuned it out.

Funnily the voice sounded like how I remembered my Dad to sound dimly from recall. As if he was taunting me. As if he was a dark part of me; his greed for blood, for murder some underlying desire that he'd maybe passed on to me. I scared myself easily with this thought.

And I kept checking and checking myself, looking at those pictures, trying to find if they made me feel anything other than horror. So far they didn't. But that only calmed me down so much.

I knew how I was, when I got angry, which rarely happened but still...if I was upset, I was furious, raging, so overwhelmingly sometimes that I couldn't control it. Maybe that was normal, maybe it was my temper and I knew well that it was stupid to believe he'd passed on some murder-gene to me but still...I was, maybe illogically, afraid that one day something would make me carry on his bloody legacy and that was the one thing I feared beyond anything else.

"You okay?", I heard Emily beside me and woke from my trance.

"Yeah", I nodded quickly and let my eyes strive through the room, finally finding the clock on the far wall, "just tired"

"One hour", Emily said, following my eyes, "then it's time for egg-nog and then hopefully three days of Christmas break"

"Why hopefully?", I asked.

"Because if a case comes up, someone will have to handle it and since Hotch and Morgan have additional back-up vacation it will be on me and Reid"

"What will be on me?", I heard Reid's curious voice as he appeared out of nowhere from behind us and sat down at his desk.

"Any cases that could interrupt our Christmas break", Emily said pursing her lips before knocking on the surface of her table three times, "let's not hope they will not come to be"

"Absolutely, I'm going to visit my Mom in Vegas this year", Reid said and I could have sworn that his smile was almost melancholy.

"Oh, that's nice", I said in a cheery tone that came on its own accord, "a Christmas feast with Mom's cooking at home,sounds like a great way to spent Christmas"

"Um, my Mom in instituted in a mental facility where she is being treated for schizophrenia so there won't be much cooking or...feasting", Reid said matter of factly and seemed, except of a small, nearly undetectable sigh, unfazed, "though the food is quite decent, actually"

I felt my ears glowing red as I tried to swallow the foot I just put in my mouth.

"I'm sorry", I uttered and couldn't get myself to look at him again.

_So embarrassing._

"It's okay", his voice was soft and held no trace of bitterness or accusation, "you couldn't have known"

Keeping my eyes on the floor, I could see his _Converse_ stepping beside us and I carefully looked up to find him facing Emily, "I'll see you guys at the Christmas party"

He smiled and trailed off, when I saw his slender figure pass the glass doors of the office, I released the breath I didn't know I was holding.

"Oh God", I whimpered and slapped my own forehead, "that was so awkward"

Emily watched me sympathetically and smiled lightly, "It's fine, he didn't take it in a bad way"

I turned to look at her again and weighed if I could ask her some questions, because, beside the fact that the moment had been kind of uncomfortable, it also revealed one of the mysteries surrounding Dr. Spencer Reid that I'd been strangely interested in discovering.

"His mother's a schizophrenic?", I asked, trying to make it sound inconspicuous rather than prying.

"She was institutionalized when he turned eighteen, she's a nice lady but...", Emily's voice turned quieter, "well, I don't think it's the easiest thing to deal with, especially when you're so young"

"Hm", I bit my lip and my mind trailed off to Reid. His mother was a schizophrenic, my Dad was a psychopath.

I'd tried very hard to find what we had in common, why it had seemed that he could understand where I was coming from, now I wasn't so sure if I'd really wanted to know. Now I felt bad for him. He'd been only eighteen when she was taken away, so he must've lived with her illness for the better part of his teenage years, until I turned fifteen and everything became a nightmare I'd had a relatively nice childhood, I never had to – at least consciously – deal with my father's sickness first hand. I never had to cushion any blows. I just had to calm nagging suspicions.

And then my Dad was just gone and Mom worked hard to erase even the slightest shred of memory, which of course was a lost cause, I had to work through the backlash of his deeds which consisted mostly of pretending I was somebody else's daughter to the point of me almost believing it myself, hadn't it been for his mocking voice in my head, that I would never be able to escape the fact that I was his flesh and blood.

Spencer had to watch his mother slowly go insane, unable to do anything about it, with no chance to stop what was happening. And with that incredible brain of his, he must've comprehended it even further than a normal kid would have.

I wondered who of us would win the game of the fucked up pasts now.

"Hey, Ashley", Emily's voice sounded somewhat urgent and she waved her hand in front of my face, "you're with me?"

"Huh?", I jumped a little at the sudden movement, "yeah, sure"

"You looked far far away", she stated half serious and half amused, "If you like you can start copying these, each page four times while I finish the report"

She handed me the stack of crime scene photos and I spent the rest of my duty at the copy machine until finally, as I handed her the copies she took them over with a wide grin and added her to the stash on the table.

"That's someone else's business now, we're on holiday", with that she put her arm around my shoulder comradely and pulled me with her to the elevator, the joint Christmas party of the BAU and the Human Trafficking Department was held in the largest briefing room two floors below and a jolly Garcia slipped through the closing elevator doors before pushing the button down.

"Hey", she said happily, "I hope you're in the mood for some serious Christmas caroling"

"Not before the third glogg, Pen", Emily smirked and then we already heard a ping and stepped into another corridor leading to the already noisy room.

The decoration was rather sporadic but there was a little Christmas tree, you could hardly see it though because hoards of suits pushed around the bar before it, I spotted Rossi and Reid standing nearby, Rossi was drinking glogg and Reid was sticking to orange juice as far as I could tell.

"Wait up, baby girl", I heard Morgan's soft bass behind me and Garcia cockily turned around, I saw her red curls hop beside me.

"Finally Santa heard me", she smiled, "he got me all I wanted for Christmas, a handsome fella, carrying presents just for me"

I saw them giggle and flatter eyes at each other for a while and was almost jealous at their friendship, especially when I heard Morgan say affectionately: "I wanted to make sure you get this before I go home over the holiday"

"Aw, sugar", Garcia squealed, holding up an unidentifiable electronic gadget up, "that's not even on the market yet"

"It is for special tech queens that deserve only the best", Morgan and Garcia smiled at each other and Emily nudged me in the side.

"You'll get used to that, too", she smirked and we joined Rossi and Reid at the bar.

A little while into the party, right before the music got extremely cheesy, Emily and Penelope had me cornered by the bar.

"So, what are your plans for Christmas?", Emily asked me, her cheeks reddened from egg-nog.

"Uh, well", the truth was pretty pathetic but I didn't see much use in lying, "usually I lock myself in my dorm room, stay in my PJ's all day and watch Friends and Star Trek until I fall asleep on the couch. So I guess that's what I've planned, maybe call my Mom and maybe she'll even pick up"

"Rough Patch?", Garcia asked, to which I nodded.

"Christmas alone?", Emily asked, to which I nodded again.

"You watch Star Trek?", again Reid seemed to have materialized out of thin air and I turned over to him to nod another time. This time though, I couldn't help but smile at his lit up expression.

"Did you know that there aren't many scientific errors in Star Trek, especially considering how long ago it was made. There are certain improbabilities, but not that many outright errors, most of it is actually quite accurate and based on physics and chemistry and most of the exterior shots of space where actual images taken by the Hubble telescope, so even that is real..."

With that he blabbered away and for the next fifteen minutes I listened to Reid and I felt like I hit the play button on a Star Trek encyclopedia audio-book, it was interesting but also a bit scary and I was annoyed at the fact that he knew so much more than me and I'd always considered myself as quite in the know of at least TOS...but he knew _everything_ on every season, every crew and crew member including race and backstory, every ship, every movie, every planets name, he was like google only that I couldn't pick out the information I wanted, he just spilled it all at me.

"Hey Reid", I heard Rossi call from a bit further away and he excused himself, Rossi winked at me slightly and I couldn't help the amused yelp as I caught it, he wanted me to acknowledge the fact that he'd saved me. I contemplated if I'd wanted saving in the first place but that was quickly undone with Emily approaching me from the side, handing me my third glass of glogg.

"So, Ashley", she said and I supposed that her tongue was already a bit more loose, "Penelope and I have done some talking and we decided that no one should be alone on Christmas Day so we called JJ, because we usually spent Christmas as hers and she said it would be okay if you came along"

I stared at her wide eyed and it took a moment until I could say something.

"Uh, that's...well...that's really sweet but...I don't even know...um...JJ?", I stuttered, truly touched but really unsure, "I mean, I don't want to cause any trouble or force myself onto someone"

"Don't worry, JJ is a former colleague and an absolute sweetheart, you'll love her", Emily said encouragingly.

"It's really nice of you but I don't think I can-", Emily silenced my by calling for Garcia who was coming toward us with a phone in hand.

"Is JJ still on the phone?", she asked and Garcia nodded, "let her tell Ashley that she's not a burden and that she can join us on Christmas day"

Without hesitation Garcia pressed the cell against my ear.

"Uh, hi?", I stuttered, "um...this is Ashley"

"Hey Ashley, this is JJ", she sounded nice, I'd seldom heard a voice more calm and even, "it's really no problem if you come over and eat with us, I would really like to meet you, since you're working with my old team now, I'm really curious"

"Oh, well", I didn't want to oppose because she sounded so nice but I still didn't feel good of inserting myself into a family celebration when I didn't know the host, "thank you, I mean, if it's really not a problem, I don't want to cause any additional work for you"

"Oh don't worry about it, I insist", I could hear her smile through the telephone, I liked her already.

**So, I thought it was nice to have JJ and Ashley talk to each other, depending on your reactions, I might write the Christmas dinner where they actually meet but I'll hear what you guys have to say to that first...**

**Sorry for yet another Star Trek reference...I couldn't stop myself. **

**To all of you, a very merry merry Christmas!**

**Remember, reviews are the best presents ever! (Except if one of you was going to send me an express clone of MGG..that would be even more awesome) **

**:D**


	4. Four oOo Quiet Night

**Note: **So I wrote a combo chapter of Christmas (with the JJ interaction) and New Years (with a little bit of Seaver/Reid-Hintage), I hope you enjoy :)

-THIS IS A MISSING SCENE-

**oO Whole Again Oo**

**Chapter Four**

_Quiet Night_

Everybody else would have been in a bad mood in my shoes that night. But I actually felt happy. It didn't bother me at all that I had nowhere to go, nowhere to be and was watching the ball drop in NYC on TV by myself, in pyjamas, eating rice crackers and drinking cheap bubbly.

I was having a ball.

My head rested on the lean of my couch and I tried to recall the last time I'd felt so relaxed. I had nothing to do,nothing on my plate, there was nothing to worry about. At least nothing that could touch me now on a high of finishing a rubbish year and going into a new one with a new, shiny goal.

I wanted to make the BAU, one of these days, I wanted to become a profiler, it was much of an epiphany, the rush of solving a crime, the fuzzy feeling you got when you know you brought justice, the pride. The roaring voice inside that yelled at her fathers distant mocking.

_I'm nothing like you! I catch guys like you! And one day they will fear me. You're not scaring me anymore, I can let you go. _

At least, I could try again. That was enough for me to make me happy.

If I'd join anytime when most of the team in Quantico was still there, I really wanted to work with them.

They were such great people and they were amazing at their jobs and most of all, they were more of a family than I ever had.

I remembered JJ briefly, talking to me in private on her Christmas dinner that I eventually joined.

oOo

"Are you settling in okay?", she asked me, as we were preparing the desert. I figured that she'd just asked me to assist her to feel me out a little bit.

"It's getting easier by the day", I answered truthfully, "But I'm sad that my training time with the team ends soon...is that sick? Being sad about not being around horror and death anymore?"

"Well, it's more than that, isn't it?", JJ said with a sly smile, "I mean, you're helping people, you're making a difference"

"I hope so", I said and then I sighed, I didn't want to continue but there was something about her that made me, something about her that made me trust her, made be be certain that she would listen, that she cared, "I just wish...sometimes I'd just wish I could contribute more, I don't want to be an annoying useless appendage, sometimes I feel like I'm holding everyone back with my questions"

"Why, you're there to learn, Ashley", she replied to me calm and warmly as she added little peppermint leaves to the chocolate crème, "Don't put yourself under pressure"

I smiled gratefully and I was about to sing her praise in the highest chimes, about how she was so nice and helpful, so patient and friendly but she misinterpreted my pause to find the right words as hesitation to her building confidence-comment and obviously felt obliged to reassure me again.

"Spence said you were doing an impressive job", she said, looking sideways to me, with an encouraging nod.

I didn't know if the sudden pang of pride and accomplishment were justified, neither was I sure of the exact origin of the subtle leap my heart made, suddenly making my chest feel tightened, as if pressed into a corset.

"He talked about me?", I asked and I, myself wasn't sure what it sounded like, what I wanted to express was casual surprise, what I tried to hide was my big fat grin uttering it.

"We talked just briefly on the phone, I told him that you were coming over and he said that you were nice and doing impressive work for a cadet just out of the academy", JJ elaborated.

"Hm", I was suddenly unsure how to react to that, was I supposed to show that I was humbled or should I be cool about it? Was it as much of a big deal as it seemed to me? An actual member of the team found my work impressive. _Impressive. _Maybe I even stood a chance to making the team.

"I guess it's nice for him to finally have someone more his age around, he was always our kiddo", JJ said more to herself than to me and with an almost melancholic smile.

"Uh", again, I was dumb folded about what to say, so I just blabbered along with the first thing that came into my mind, before reconsidering, "He doesn't seem like a kid to me at all. ...Uh...well...but I guess you know him longer. Since when had you been with the team?"

"Seven years", she answered and the melancholy was still there, "They were my family, my funny family, functioning in a dysfunctional environment, for a long time they were about all I had"

"And they just took you away?", I asked and all of the sudden I felt bad for her and I felt guilty for filling a place that had, in a way, once been hers. I felt like I didn't deserve it, like I hadn't earned it.

"Life has twisted ways sometimes", she threw me a resigned and tired smile, "but they're still with me, they're still here, even if I'm not with them anymore always"

She pointed to her heart and automatically her face brightened.

"So, Spence doesn't seem _at all like a kid to you_?", she asked me after a beat, repeating my stumbled words from earlier, swiftly changing the subject into a direction I wasn't sure how I felt about.

"Um, no", I replied cautiously.

I didn't want any rumors to spike, she didn't seem like a gossiper, but the undertone in her voice reminded me of Emily, when she was digging to find out something scandalous, something kinky, something like a trainee agent that had an irrational crush on a temporary team member and senior agent. If that was what JJ's raised eyebrows where implying. Out of the blue, of course.

"He seems pretty mature to me, mostly because...well, he always seems so poised and...reflected... he doesn't talk much, not with me at least", I said, trying hard to keep my tone natural and unfazed while telling myself that I wasn't upset that _he_ specifically didn't talk to me, just that it would upset me if anyone acted the way he did most of the time when we were together. But my preferred appearance to deliver was that I didn't care at all.

JJ's smile was a little too knowing for my taste, though.

"He'll come around", she simply said and smiled, gesturing me to take the dessert outside with her, and quietly, she added in passing, "Just never agree to go to a baseball game with him"

oOo

Starring absentmindedly at the post-countdown program on my TV-screen, the first fifteen minutes of 2011 passing around me, my thoughts slipped back to Dr. Reid again and I reminded myself, that we did have some talks together and that I maybe had been a bit whiny when I said that he _never talked much at all _with me.

After all there'd been the one about Star Trek, which admittedly was more like a lecture than a conversation but still, the quick chat over coffee about the Sanderson case, which made me feel acknowledged and less useless and of course the "Tell me about my psycho-Dad's doomed deeds"-harassment I pulled on him upon the first day of meeting.

And that elevator ride. Where he seemed sick.

I pursed my lips, curiosity getting the better of me. With a force and urge I found hard to justify and explain, I just wanted to know if he was alright again, in that instant. Most immediately.

But could I? Could I just...ask him?

I mean, I certainly wasn't prying, if I was just wishing him a Merry Belated Christmas and a Happy New Year, humorously starting out with "How's the genius head of your's?", now was I?

It was innocent. Innocuous. Considerate and invested even. I was just being an attentive colleague. You'd think no bad about someone who inquired your betterment after witnessing you almost have a headache-fit in an elevator. On the contrary, it would seem almost rude not to, right?

It took me another two glasses of bubbly and more self-calming to gather up the courage – or audacity – to send him a text.

**HEY, HOW'S THE GENIUS HEAD OF YOUR'S? HOPE YOU'RE FEELING BETTER! MERRY BELATED CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR! ASHLEY S.**

**sent 01:22 am 1/1/11 to Dr. Reid, Spencer [Receipt Confirmed]**

I kept checking the text for the endless ten minutes it took him to reply, or his text to struggle through the millions of ones alike to get across the satellites back to my cell. Was it casual enough to not be weird for a trainee to send to a superior agent? Funny enough so that he wouldn't find her intrusive? Well worded as just a comradely concerned wish for betterment? I just didn't want him to get the wrong impression while at the same time, I just really really wanted to know if he was well.

I jumped a bit at the incoming text signal buzzing through my phone.

**A HAPPY NEW YEAR TO YOU, TOO. HEADACHES ARE NOT GOING AWAY: MAYBE YOU WERE RIGHT ABOUT THE DOCTOR BUT THEY'RE ALL BUSY ON NEW YEARS EVE, ESPECIALLY IN VEGAS. SR**

**received 01:34 am 1/1/11 from Dr. Reid, Spencer [reply]**

**AREN'T YOU IN A HOSPITAL WITH YOUR MOM? THERE SHOULD BE ON DUTY DOCTORS, RIGHT? ;-D**

**sent 01:36 am 1/1/11 to Dr. Reid, Spencer [Receipt Confirmed]**

**TOUCHÉ! BUT ACTUALLY THEY'RE NOT EXACTLY THE DOCTORS TO TREAT MIGRANE – ONLY IF IT COMES WITH HEARING VOICES. HOW'S THE MOOD IN D.C.? SR**

**received 01:42 am 1/1/11 from Dr. Reid, Spencer [reply]**

**THEN I HOPE YOU HAVE YOUR VOICES OCCUPIED AS I HAVE MINE. ;-D I WOULDN'T KNOW ABOUT THE MOOD ANYWHERE OUTSIDE MY HOTEL ROOM. TAKING A QUIET NIGHT.**

**sent 01:46 am 1/1/11 to Dr. Reid, Spencer [Receipt Confirmed]**

**THAT MAKES TWO OF US, MY MOTHER WENT TO BED EARLY. ANYWAY, ENJOY THE REST OF NEW YEAR'S. THANK YOU FOR YOUR CONCERN, I REALLY APPRECIATE IT. SR**

**received 01:50 am 1/1/11 from Dr. Reid, Spencer [reply]**

**I JUST RLY HOPE YOU'LL FEEL BETTER SOON. GOOD NIGHT. THANKS FOR THE TALK ;-D YOU'RE ALMOST AS GOOD COMPANY AS MY MAC&CHEESE. ASHLEY S.**

**sent 01:53 am 1/1/11 to Dr. Reid, Spencer [Receipt Confirmed]**

I felt stupid for the last one, lying in bed about an hour later. The last one that he'd left unanswered.

_You're almost as good company as my Mac&Cheese? Seriously, Ashley? _

I wouldn't have replied to that either. I frantically kicked my legs around in bed and pushed my face into the pillow. I was a nutcase. Now I got him to talk to me at least through texts and then I had to make myself like a try-hard and weirdo yet another time. It was hopeless.

And I was not even supposed to care. I shouldn't have texted him in the first place and, even if so, it wasn't supposed to be a big deal, but my stupid head was making it one, I felt ashamed.

There was no sense or reason to it, but I did and it took me a tripple reciting of "Somewhere Over The Rainbow" in my head to lull my wary thoughts into sleeping.

The text that came in a 03:30 am, I missed until early the next morning.

**YOU'RE ALMOST AS** **GOOD COMPANY AS MY ENTIRE STAR TREK MOVIE COLLECTION. THANKS! SR**

**received 03:34 am 1/1/11 from Dr. Reid, Spencer [reply]**

oOo

**So, I know that texts nowadays aren't in all caps but I wanted to make it clearer that they were texts. I've never tried something like this before, typing out the actual texts, it's an experiment for me, so if I suck at it, do tell me.**

**I'm not sure if this is a big stretch from what will happen next episode, again, I'll might have to go back to readjust...but if ya'll like it like that I'll may have it stay like this as a tiny AU-piece. Depends on what you think.**

**Maybe the "semi-fluff" is also too much to stomach for you but I thought it was subtle enough. So far, they could still easily go as friends. Thoughts?**

**And lastly, to pass me the time of waiting for the next episode, the question of questions...**

**Have you warmed up at Seaver yet? At least a little, teensy bit?**

**HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL OF YOU! MAY IT BE AN AWESOMETASTIC ONE!**


	5. Five oOo Corazon

**Note: **New chapter, based on Corazon with a new missing scene. D'you think we could get five reviews for this chapter? That would be absolutely great :) Love to you all!

**oO Whole Again Oo**

**Chapter Five**

_Corazon_

The brittle cold in D.C. Felt like a punch in the face as we got out of the jet, coming from humidity and piercing sunshine in Miami, my skin prickled in protest as sharp wind blew in my face and I was happy to get into the car with Morgan and Emily.

"What d'you think is up with Reid?", Emily asked as soon as the doors where shut and the three of us saw Dr. Reid walk past the car, his sunglasses still on, despite the cloudy sky and his fingers fidgeting on his forehead.

"I have no idea", Morgan answered and they didn't seem to think that I had any idea either, except that I did.

I was just surprised that he hadn't told his colleagues about his headaches when he told me weeks ago, especially when they seemed to be getting worse, he seemed all the more sensitive now, almost constantly distracted and where he only rubbed his temples lightly before, he would now, once the sunglasses were off, rub his eyes like a mad person, I always waited for them to pop out of the sockets.

I'd noticed that when we first flew out to the case, which was horrid to say the least.

"_Rossi and Seaver can get set up at the PD", said Hotch in his mater-of-fact voice that implied the end of his briefing._

_Reid hadn't waited to hear it, he'd went to the on-board kitchen, rubbing his eyes and it reminded me of his headache-fit in the elevator a while ago and I felt uncomfortable. He'd told me he'd see a doctor but I didn't want to talk to him about it with the others around, he seemed to be secretive about it, for whatever reason, I didn't understand. Still, I didn't want to betray his confidence in me._

_But I was still curious, so I casually got up from my seat and slowly walked over to him. _

"_Is this the line?", I asked and he nearly jumped and looked at me startled.  
_

"_Uh, the coffee, sorry", I therefore hurried to add, wondering why he was such a wreck all of the sudden._

"_Um, no, no", he said, two fingers reluctantly leaving his forehead, "I'm just thinking"_

_He was looking at his shoes and I had to smile, weakly and sad because he looked miserable._

"_Aren't you always?", I tried in a weak attempt to make a little joke, just to devide his attention a little bit._

"_Yeah", he smiled, even with a little teeth but as he lowered his head again, I could see his brow furrowed in pain and when he walked past me to make way for me to get to the coffee-machine, I felt the biggest urge to just give him a hug. Or an aspirin. Or both._

"_Hey, what's the weather like in Miami right now", he asked, sounding a notch too casual but I didn't pry. _

_Instead I just answered him just as casual with a polite smile: "Don't know exactly but my guess is seventy-five and sunny"_

_But what looked like a great perspective seemed like a glum one to him, he pursed his lips and looked almost frustrated as he made his way back to his seat in the corner._

_His behavior didn't change in the whole case and every time he was asked, if something was wrong, he said nothing or stalled_ _us with some detail about the case and whenever I saw him when he thought no one was looking, he rubbed his eyes just like he did on the plane. Something was absolutely not right with him._

I still thought about this when I went to the general hospital to get my last check on my concussion, to clear me for my continuing training and I sighed at the thought that I wouldn't know how this would pan out for him for at least a while, seeing that my field excursion with the BAU came to a longer intermission with that last check.

"You're perfectly fine again, Miss Seaver", said my doctor and she gave me a bright smile, "I hope not to see you here again any time soon"

"Thank you", I smiled back and shook her outstretched hand, "Thanks for taking such good care"

She gave me a last warm smile and sent me on my way.

I hurried out through the corridors and automatic doors, I wasn't very fond of hospitals, I didn't like the smell of them, I'd never felt consoled by any of the buzzing machines, just worried that I'd be depending on one of them later maybe.

So, quicker than most people, I was out in the cold and decided on a whim to get a coffee at a snack wagon in front of the hospital, I hadn't had breakfast as an obligation for the check and now my stomach rumbled.

I payed the three dollars for the smallest sized cup as something passing through the rotating entrance door of the clinic caught my eye.

It was Dr. Reid and his unnecessary Ray Ban's and without thinking if it was polite or considerate, I ran at him.

"Reid", I said breathless as I came to halt in front of him, "did you get your headaches checked out, finally?"

I didn't know where the hell I took the audacity from to talk to him like that but I found it so had to treat him like a superior agent, I felt closer to him than that, strange as it was.

He didn't flinch at my invading of his privacy and just nodded slightly.

"It's gotten worse, didn't it?", I asked and when he remained silent I added, "Your eyes are hurting, too, right?"

"The lights hurt them", he answered merely and his voice was dripping with frustration.

"So what did the doctors say?", I asked him, unable to stop myself.

He huffed and snorted, ticked off, "They say every thing's fine, it's nothing physical"

"So it's psycho-"

"-somatic, yeah", he cut me off, "that's what they say but, you know what?"

He seemed in flight now, his voice had cracked up a few octaves and he seemed more irritated than I'd ever seen him.

"It's not psychosomatic, I'd know if it was, I know how mental illnesses reveal themselves and this is not it, my Mom...she...it was different with her...I know it", it sounded like he was trying to convince himself more than he was trying to lecture me and it took me a while to figure out something to say.

"You're scared", I said and it wasn't a question and I didn't mean to be rude, I just had to state it, because it was so obvious but he didn't seem to want ti acknowledge it.

"I'm not scared", he said but his dipped voice and the wrinkle between his eyebrows I could see under the thick sunglasses betrayed him.

"You are", I said, quieter this time because I didn't want him to get angry, "You're afraid of any eventual genetic disposition, you're scared that you'll become like your mother"

He left that uncommented and started walking towards the nearby bus stand.

For a second I just stood there, one side of me ordering me to let it go, to not make him even more irritated with me but the other side, the stronger one couldn't let it go just yet.

"I know the feeling", I said, maybe a little too loud because when I caught up with him, a few heads turned in our direction, so I kept my voice down, when he paused to look at me again, "I know how it feels, thinking that, maybe, deep down inside there's something buried that will rise one day, something dark and...dangerous, me of all people it is you could tell about this"

And then, with a look of great pain, he took off the sunglasses and blinked several times before he looked down at me, stern, seizing me up and I tried and tried but couldn't read his features.

"I'm sorry", I said sheepishly, "but...I mean, you told everyone in the team that you're fine, Morgan said you told Hotch that you faked a headache to distract the unsub in order to take him down"

I waited but he didn't cut me off, he just still stared at me, with the occasional pained blink when too much faint light hit his pupils.

"So, for some reason, you don't want them to know", I continued cautiously, "and maybe they know you well enough not to pry but...see, I did this, every time that I'd get...unnaturally angry, throwing tantrums way past the age for it being normal, I was afraid that I was becoming like my father and I wound myself up, thinking about it all the time but I didn't tell anyone because that would've made the threat too real. Still, a small part of me wanted to talk about it but there was no one there to understand me. Sure, they would sympathize and they would tell me that I was not my father but...they would never understand. I'm just saying. I understand. I'll listen. If you want to talk"

I smiled apologetically but still kept a pointed look, so that he'd see I was being serious. He still remained silent.

"I...I'm not scared, I'm...I'm angry", he said and it seemed like it was taking him a lot to say it out loud, "I want to know what's wrong with me and the brain scans show nothing out of the ordinary and I...I could recite the complete chronic of the history of the evolution of the universe here and now but I can't understand _this_. My eyes hurt so bad, it's like piercing needles to my eyeballs, every ray of light and, I hear sounds in my head and see colors and shapes when I close my eyes. Something is wrong with me and they say I'm perfectly fine. What the hell am I supposed to make of that?"

I sighed, unable to decide if what I was thinking to say was in my boundaries to say to him or overstepping them by far.

"Reid, you...you got this amazing head on your shoulders and...", I checked to see if he was still glaring at me, which he was not, he seemed, despite the still pain-struck expression, almost curious, "and you're doing this crazy job where you're confronted with so many horrible things and you think about them, you remember all these crime scenes, the bodies, the unsubs...I mean, even someone with a lower IQ than yours would get stuck in their heads with all that horror sometimes, I mean, this doesn't say that you're going crazy, maybe it's just your body telling you to...well...it's obvious, isn't it?"

"What?", he said and furrowed his brow again.

"You need a holiday", I said and dared to smile, a small one but a smile none the less, "two or three weeks away from all this with your Star Trek collection to keep your brain away too, just...go somewhere where none of this can touch you"

He took a deep breath and although he didn't say anything, I knew that he was disagreeing, or at least that I wouldn't get him to book a trip to the Everglades and spent two merry weeks with the Star Trek Voyager, broadly going where no one has been before, even if I begged him on my knees.

"I don't know", he said merely and I knew it was as much as a rebuff as his manners would allow him and I could feel my heart shrink as I watched his puppy eyes close for a while as his face contracted with a sudden pain again. I could feel all of my limps yearn towards him.

"You know, when something bothered me and...and I felt like I was all alone in the world, my grandmother used to do something", I left that hanging in the air and waited until he opened his eyes again, tiredly, and they finally found mine, before I continued, "she'd tell me to...close my eyes and think of my happy place"

He smiled, the saddest and most defeated smile I'd seen up to this point and let his lids fall back down.

"And then she'd tell me to pick up all my worried of the floor, not think about them, just hold them and feel how heavy they were on my shoulders and then...", I stopped talking because I knew that talking was no longer needed and with two quick steps, I closed the distance between us and pushed both my arms under his and pulled him against the length of my body in a tight embrace.

I felt him stiffen and I'm pretty sure his eyes popped open, even though I couldn't see it as my head lay on his broad shoulder but after a few seconds he relaxed slightly.

"And then she'd tell me to give her all those worries, she told me she'd hold me as long as it took me to give her all that troubled me and she said that I was never, never to carry so much pain on my own, that there was always someone to help, that I...that there was nothing I had to go through alone"

He still didn't change any of his posture and I squeezed him ever so slightly.

"You don't have to do this alone", I repeated and it was barely more than a whisper at this point but it worked as an 'open sesame', suddenly he flung his arms around me and this time it was I whose eyes popped open, he held me tighter than I thought he would have, also he was a lot stronger than his appearance suggested and as head dipped onto my shoulders while I felt his one hand grip tightly on my shirt, I breathless.

It seemed like no one ever really gave him a hug like this, I don't know how long we stood like this but it was way past the point where I'd usually have felt uncomfortable. But there was nothing uncomfortable about this hug, I seized it, because the first time since I'd known about his condition, I actually felt like I could help him.

When we parted eventually he looked down at me and he seemed a bit uneasy.

"You're not the biggest hugger, are you?", I asked to fill the silence.

"No", he answered and smiled wryly back at me.

"But does it feel better now?", I asked and then brought the palm of my hand up to his chest, to lay on the spot where his heart was, "Here?"

Thankfully he didn't frown at the cheesy question but understood my intention and nodded slightly.

"And that's the thing about hugs", I smiled and for some reason I let my hand rest on his heart for a little longer than would have been necessary to make my point. It felt good to feel his fast and steady heartbeat, reassuring.

After some endless moments he put his hand above mine and took them both down by our sides, squeezed it once and then let go.

I felt a feeble protest, somewhere inside me that I couldn't make sense of and returned his smile.

"Thank you", he muttered, "I really have to go now, see you on Monday?"

"Um", I breathed out and shook my head, sad, all of the sudden, "no, my...um...I got a couple of texts to take at the academy and I got cleared of my concussion today, so...I don't know if I qualify to come back yet or if they sent me to another field office, it's all not set in stone yet"

"Oh", he said meekly and if I hadn't known better I would've thought to have spotted a bit of my unhappiness at that fact mirrored on his features.

"But you can call me", I said quickly before it would have felt too stupid, "anytime, if you want to talk"

The last part I said hurriedly, starring at my shoes and then turned with a last tiny smile and then left him without looking back.

For some reason I didn't even want to try and fathom, my cheeks had blushed with such rapid speed, I could feel them radiating heat as I stomped through the passing-by crowd.

I could only imagine how Reid must've looked after me, probably with a shaking head.

I couldn't have blamed him.


	6. Six oOo Sense Memory

**Author's Note: **So, I totally couldn't ignore the wonderful opportunity last episode threw me: Emily declining Spencer's offer to go to the theater with him, leaving him without a date..so what if he called Ashley?

This is a missing scene. I might change it, so it coincides with the show or might leave it be as AU...whatever I think seems fit.

Hope you enjoy.

**oOWhole AgainOo**

**Chapter Six**

_Sense Memory_

It was already dark when I returned from the academy, I'd taken the third of five tests and felt somewhat content that I'd done to the best of my abilities.

Sure, some answers hadn't been far off from mere guesses but for the most part, I felt okay with what I'd wrote.

Still, being at the academy seemed dull in comparison to the actual field experience I'd had with the BAU. I still kept my fingers crossed that they'd let me go back to the unit once I was once and for all done with my training.

I closed the door behind me and entered my dorm room, my roommate Cara was out, she'd gone with most of the others to celebrate the testing-halftime at a local bar.

Even if they had asked me to come along, I wouldn't have. I had no idea why but there really wasn't much that interested me out there. I felt a little singled out ever since I got back from the bureau. I thought that maybe the others were annoyed that I got to go play with the big kids just because my Daddy was a psycho.

I sighed and shook my head for no apparent reason and continued on into the kitchen to figure out which micro-wave-meal sucked less. Cardboard-box-mac-and-cheese or Leathery-turkey-with-rice.

Just when I reached for the mac&cheese, my phone buzzed in my jacket pocket and I reached for it automatically, just to feel my heart stop for a beat, despite myself, starring at the caller ID.

"Reid", I said in surprise, "Is something up?"

"Hey", he greeted me and sounded better than I would've thought, "no, all's fine, just, uh...do you know _Solaris_?"

"Uh, the movie?", I answered him perplex, wondering what this call was about.

"Yes!", Reid exclaimed and he sounded very happy that I knew that piece of cinematic history.

"I liked George Clooney in it a lot", I said because it was the first thing I could think of.

"Um", Reid chuckled and took a second before he spoke again, "no, I meant the original version, the one the version with George Clooney is based on"

"No, never heard of it", I said truthfully and still wasn't smarter as to what was the purpose of this conversation. Not that I minded. I'd gotten used to the fact that I only knew what he was talking about half of the time.

"Then I have a treat for you", he sounded eagerly exited now, like a child in a candy store, "they're showing the original version of _Solaris_ at the movies tonight, which is rare. For some reason they never show it in theaters although it's allegedly the best Sci-Fi-meditation film of all time"

"Meditation?", I asked, smiling because I found that precise word in combination with 'movie' pretty peculiar.

"Yeah, because it's five hours long", he said, happy as ever, "I asked Emily to go but she's staying in tonight so I thought...um, maybe you wanna go with me?"

"So, I'm the runner-up, huh?", I'd tried to sound playful but I worried if some of my irritation shone through. I didn't like being the second choice.

"No, no, no", Spencer hurried to say, sheepishly, "I mean, the movie's in Russian, that's why I asked her first, because she'd have understood the dialogue"

Then I had to laugh, hard. And at the same time I internally squealed because I found his enthusiasm absolutely endearing.

"So you're asking me to go see a movie with you that's five hours long and in a language I don't speak?", I asked, a wide smirk distorting my face.

"Essentially", he answered and it seemed like it deemed on him just then, that this might wouldn't sound like a promising proposition to me, "I could translate"

"Okay", I said merely and smiled at the silence that followed. He'd probably thought I'd say no.

But there was no way I'd say no. I didn't really want to ponder why that was.

"Great, okay, great", he stammered, "So, meet you at eight at the E Street Cinema?"

"Sure", I said again and then he said bye and the line went dead.

For the next ten minutes I kept away from any reflecting surface. It was enough to feel the dumb grin on my face, I really did not need to see it. I was being completely stupid. I should keep away from him. It really wouldn't heighten my chances of making the BAU if I was having weirdly infatuated sentiments for a senior agent.

But then, I mean, what the hell, I maybe wouldn't return to the team at all, so I might as well take the chance to continue my blooming friendship with Reid. I'd just be careful and watch my emotions.

After all, it was only natural that I'd feel close to him, we related, we've been through nasty stuff and understood each other. Sure I would go and imagine that I also found him attractive in a very non conventional way, that he was kinder to me than I deserved, that his smile could light up a room and...okay, I needed to stop. It was..._transference_. Yes, I was sure. It had nothing to do with the reality, it was just my sorry brain that was so relieved to finally have found someone I could relate to that it jumped to the conclusion that there should surely also be romance between us. But I wouldn't let my brain trick me. I was smarter than it. If that made any sense.

I shook my head at myself and occupied my weird brain with the question what on earth I would wear.

..

The five minutes it took to get from the subway to the cinema, I regretted my decision to wear a light summer dress. Of course I had thick tights and boots, also my coat and a scarf but it was still super cold and I shivered when I walked towards the theater. And there, surrounded by people was a lanky, tall man, peaking out of the crowd, his eyes searching for..well, for me.

"Hey", I said when I was in hearing distance and waved, "hey, Reid"

He looked around a few times, like he couldn't locate the sound for a few seconds before he finally saw me, when I was just ten feet away from him.

He looked down at me, smiled and gave a tiny wave.

"Hey, Ashley", he said and produced two tickets out of his jacket, "I already bought the tickets, so we can go straight in"

"Thanks", I said and took the one he handed me, "How much do I owe you?"

"Oh, never mind, I got it", he said and nodded.

"No", I protested, both his gesture and my roaring pride about it, "You really don't have to pay for me"

_If he pays, it's a date. La la la, if he pays, it's a date, la la la la. It's a date._ _A date, a date. _

_-Shut it, Seaver!_, I scolded myself. With little success.

"It's fine, really", he insisted, "after all you're doing me a favor, sitting through a five hour Russian film with me"

I pouted and then shook my head, "Well, then at least let me get the popcorn"

"Okay", he said and I smiled at my triumph as we went inside and stood in line to get a bowl of popcorn.

When the line had finally come to us, the guy behind the counter fixed his eyes on my and basically stripped me naked with his stare. I'd taken off my coat to reveal the blue and green summer dress I wore and noted to my dissatisfaction that the only man that wasn't taken aback by it was Reid.

I wasn't overly vein but I knew that I wasn't ugly, I just wished Reid would think so, too.

"Sweet or salty", the kid asked my breasts.

"Sweet", I answered mildly annoyed and simultaneously Reid said, "Salty"

We looked at each other and he almost giggled at my disgusted expression. I hated few things as much as salty popcorn.

"Okay, sweet", Reid said, still smiling and I mouthed him a 'thanks' as the guy filled our bowl.

"So no salty popcorn for you, huh?", Reid asked as we took our places in one of the rows further back.

"Negative", I laughed, "I think it's perverted"

He laughed loud now and a few heads turned to us.

I was going to say something but then the lights dimmed around us and the curtain flung back as if by magic and the film started.

And, boy, Reid had not been lying when he said it was ruminant, the first half his translations kept me awake but after the intermission - that we'd spent eating ice cream on the street - I eventually drifted into a surprisingly deep and comfortable sleep.

I woke up to the credits rolling and couldn't suppress a hearty yawn. I sheepishly turned to Reid, who was studying the moving names with unseen intensity.

"What did you think?", he asked me suddenly.

"Great", I said meekly, "but...I have to confess, I kinda fell asleep"

"I've seen that", he chuckled, "but five hours _is_ a long time, it's already one a.m so I can't blame you"

"yeah but now I'm not even tired anymore", I smiled, "Thank god, it's Friday so I don't ahve to go to bed yet, you wanna go for a beer?"

He seemed to be considering and I'd almost started to worry again that I'd crossed this invisible line but after all, I'd just seen a 5 hour movie with him and probably drooled on his shoulder a little bit so...there wasn't much professional distance left anyway.

"Sure", he then said and we got up, "where are we going?"

"Have you ever been to The Mighty Pint in midtown?", I asked him, walking out of the theater.

"No", he answered as we crossed the street, "I'm not much of a hanging-out-in-bars-type"

"Well, then that's a first", I smiled and dragged him onwards and we took the subway to the bar which was semi-crowded but loud, due to a bachelorette-party going on.

It was a table of approximately ten women, all dressed in fluffy pink tutus and screaming like their life depended on it.

I ordered two pints of cider and smirked at Reid's skeptic expression, "Normally it's quieter here"

That was a lie but it was the only thing I could think of to win him over for this.

"It's, uh, it's not bad, I just haven't been to too many bars, normally it's just on cases or on the very rare occasions that the whole team is free", he said politely and we sat around for a bit, not talking.

"So-"

"So-", we started at the same time, equally as uncomfortable with silence and spent another minute trying to figure out who should speak first.

"So how's your head?", I asked once he complimented me into going first.

"Better", he said happily, "I actually took a week off, watching Star Trek"

"You did?", I was positively surprised that he'd really taken my advice, "Good for you"

"Yeah", he smiled back and continued when our drinks came, "and what about you? How were the tests?"

"Okay, mostly", I answered, sipping on my cider, "I still have some to go but it's looking pretty good right now"

"So you're coming back to the BAU?", he asked, a notch more hopeful than I could ignore.

"That depends on Hotch and Rossi, if they _let_ me come back", I said, pursing my lips, "I'd sure love to"

..

When I got back home that night, around four in the morning, my head was still swimming with all the stuff we'd talked about, soon after our friendly small talk had passed we'd started talking about the job first, then about our respective times in training and then movies and books and every other sentence I was amazed as ever with how much he knew about everything and I went to bed, laughing to myself about how he'd been persistently not getting one of the bachelorette-girls trying to gain his attention which resulted in me getting foul looks.

Now I really really wanted to get back onto the BAU, I'd finally found a real friend and I did not want to let that go to waste.

That night I dreamed of Reid and I, inside a Russian space-station, hiding from aliens in pink tutus. I hadn't had a better dream in a very long time.

**So, what do you think? Does it seem to proceed naturally? Could you imagine this happening?**

**How about Seaver? Do you like her yet? :D Thanks for your reviews, everyone, they make me so happy!**


	7. Seven oOo Today I Do

**Author's Note: **Due to lack of actual Reid/Seaver-dialogue in the latest episode...this is another semi-missing scene, yet based on the show because you can actually see them talk in the window behind Prentiss , when she talks to her old colleague, you just don't hear what they say.

**oOWhole AgainOo**

**Chapter Seven**

_Today I Do_

"What's wrong?", I asked right after Emily had left us sitting at the table at the precinct, Reid hovering over a bunch of files and me, eyes fixed on the computer.

I was, simply put, irritated with him. We'd been to the movies together and I thought we were well on our way to becoming friends.

And when Rossi had called me to say that I was welcome to come back to the team to finish my training I'd been so happy, I could have hugged whoever passed me on my way to my first day back to the BAU. Also because I'd see Reid again and on a regular basis.

But when I got there, with Hotch and Rossi walking me into the round table room, he did only so much as smile at me politely.

Sure, on the way to the plane he acknowledged my presence by saying: "You're back" but, I don't know, I would have liked a little more familiarity.

But as we were briefing on the plane it was like we had never spoken more than a few words and it just didn't get any better.

"Nothing", he replied and I saw him starring at Emily on the phone behind the glass, "Why?"

"I don't know, Reid", I said, ignoring the sudden pang I felt, "You seem off"

He seemed to be deliberating with himself, wondering whether he could share his thoughts with me and the pause he took I used to put two and two together.

"Emily", I said, quietly, so that she wouldn't hear us.

"I'm worried about her", he said and I could tell he was glad that I'd noticed on my own so he didn't have to 'gossip', "She's not herself lately"

"I'm not one to tell", I said, looking up to him, "but she does seem a little distracted and...it looks like she is always ready to jump, you know, like she's expecting something that scares her"

Reid left that uncommented and went back to studying a file, and once again I was bewildered, was it just me or was he avoiding talking to me?

I mean, of course I didn't think we'd suddenly be the best of friends but a little notion, a little nod that I hadn't dreamed that we'd gotten closer somehow wouldn't have been too much to ask for, would it?

"Reid", I demanded his attention back to me, "Did I do something?"

"Why?", he immediately turned around to me and looked puzzled, "What should you have done?

"I mean, are you mad at me somehow?", I asked, furrowing my brow at his surprise. Hadn't he'd been noticing that he was giving me the silent treatment?

"No, not at all", he said and he still didn't understand how I could even ask him that.

"It's just that...", I started but wasn't sure how to continue without sounding really pathetic, "I thought after Friday...well, I thought we were friends and now we're not even talking at all. I mean, I don't want to bother you or distract you from work, not at all but...I was just very happy knowing that I'd come back here and at least one person would be happy to see me"

"But I was", he was quick to say, "and I am but...there's a lot going on, on this case especially, statistically 91 percent of abduction victims die within the first twenty-four hours, this means that time is of the essence and we all have to have our main focus on the case and then there is Emily and..."

He paused and looked at me, weighing of again, if he could give me the additional information he obviously had. I held his gaze, signalizing that he could might as well go on, that I was listening and that I wasn't going to tell anybody. For a split second I felt like Middle School again, sharing corridor-gossip and swearing to secrecy.

"You know, the day I met you, Garcia already basically said I had a crush on you and...this job is a lot to deal with as it is without the others constantly making assumptions about your private life", as he was saying it, he leaned in closer and keeping his voice down, "I don't know if you really want that, I've been there"

I was completely lost for words. What exactly had he just been telling me? That we were secret friends? That we were pretending to not being friends when at work? That the team was already talking about us? About him having a crush on me? And why were his ears bright red?

I looked up at him but he was back to starring at Emily who'd just put down the phone.

I remained clueless as to why he seemed to want to keep our friendship on the low. After all we really didn't do anything. And with the things Morgan and Garcia kept saying to each other, a nice and friendly conversation between us shouldn't be such a big deal or raise suspicions.

And suspicions of what, anyway?

When Emily came back I excused myself to go to the ladies room, contemplating once again how Spencer Reid sometimes just didn't make any sense to me.

**Okay, so, I know this might be a far stretch and I'm a bit worried that Reid is a bit out of character BUT ...isn't he out of character in the show as well?...The way they're writing him now, I can actually see him pulling this off, I could imagine him saying all those things to Seaver. So I'm using that to my defense. **

**Basically I just had to maneuver my last chapter into the flow of the real episodes.**

**I'm guessing they're not as good friends as I'd like them to be.**

**Of course I could delete the last chapter and rewrite the rest...should I? Or can you arrange yourself with the slight AU-ness of this?**

**Or is it too much? Should I change it?**

**Thanks for your answers and reviews! You rock my socks!**


	8. Eight oOo Coda

**oOWhole AgainOo**

**Chapter Eight**

_Coda_

I followed Reid to the board kitchen where he poured us coffee. I watched him shuffle his feet and furrow his brow like he usually did when he was having another migraine attack.

"Still with the headaches?", I asked, stirring my coffee, wondering if he would be mad at me if I asked him that, since he apparently wanted me to pretend like we didn't like each other.

He nodded merely and sipped on his cup.

"Just so we're clear, because I'm kinda feeling like you're giving me mixed signals", I started, out of the blue, because I wanted this settled once and for all. I was getting really tired of only ever talking to him when no one was around.

"Yeah?", Reid put on his puzzled face and waited for me to elaborate.

"What you were saying the other day, about people...talking about my private life", I said, "Were you saying that they shouldn't know that we are friends? That we should pretend that we're not? I just want to...understand what you meant by that"

He seemed surprised for a while, then considering, then uneasy and then his features softened and he smiled slightly.

"You're new and that's hard", he said and instantly, _I_ furrowed my brow, what had that to do with anything?, "I've been new and I've been the youngest since you came and I always got picked on for everything, in fact I still get picked on, in case you hadn't noticed. I don't mind if they know that we're friends but I thought maybe you didn't want that, they would probably leave you alone if they didn't know"

I couldn't help but to laugh. He wanted to protect me from mocking comments, that was all. He didn't feel ashamed for me, something that had occurred to me and filled me with a nagging fear.

He simply didn't want to put me in the open for humiliation, he wanted me to fit in with the team, so I'd have an easier start.

"You know, if you don't believe me, we could conduct a simple experiment", he said and a little mischievous smile played around his lips and then he leaned in ever so slightly and whispered something in my ear, I almost didn't catch it but when I did, I smiled with him and then we stood opposite each other and nodded.

"It's like Dr. Who", he said and audibly raised his voice, so that the others were sure to hear and scratched behind his ear with his index finger and I fixed my eyes on it so I wouldn't start laughing. I would have if I'd looked him straight in the eye.

"_Is that the one where they fly around in the phone booth?", I shook my head slightly and acted clueless, of course I knew Dr. Who, not as thorough as Reid, but I knew it.  
_**_"_**_First of all, it's a police box. Not a phone booth", he started and he gestured widely like he always did, when he was explaining things, sounding like a Wikipedia-entry, "Second of all, ____Doctor Who__ started a quarter of a century before Bill and Teddy even went on their bodacious adventures so really they should've just called it ____Bill and Ted's Excellent Rip Off__. I mean at least then they would've made —"  
"I'm really sorry", I interrupted him, like we agreed on. He'd told me to just stop him somewhere along the way.  
"For what?", he asked me and looked endearingly clueless and I almost had to bite my lip, with all my poise I kept the smirk from my features.  
"Asking", I said, looked at him pointedly and turned around, though in turning, the smile broke free and shaped my mouth in a happy arc, I looked up and found Morgan smiling at me._

When Hotch briefed us, Spencer sat down opposite of me, we shared a blitz-smirk and I half-winked and then we went on to act inconspicuous.

Later in the SUV, where I was with Morgan, Emily and Rossi, all three of them told me that I shouldn't get weirded out by Reid, that he would go overboard with his ramblings sometimes and that it was just right to shut him up, that it was the only way he would stop talking once you'd got him started. I laughed but not for the reasons they thought. Reid had been absolutely right; his social experiment had had worked just the way he'd predicted.

oOo

Sitting at the round table with Emily, I was uneasy. This case was, just like any other I'd been on until then, a hard one and time was running again. Garcia was trying to find Sammy's aunt but if she didn't show up the kid would need to be moved to a Foster Home. I felt sick at that thought. Near our High school there was a Foster Home and the kids went to our classes. The boys were starting fights and the girls were quiet and always seemed sad. They never got treated badly, I knew that because I'd volunteered, looking after the younger kids when I was a sophomore but they felt incomplete, unwanted, alienated. If I could do anything at all to spare Sammy that, I would. I was keeping my fingers crossed that Garcia would work her magic and everything was going to be fine.

A day later, when gladly, Sammy's sister had arrived, I was taking five outside the police station to get some air and clear my head, the air was brisk but a lot warmer than in DC, you could go outside with a light jacket without shivering. To my left, a black SUV drove into my sight and came to a halt, Reid and Rossi got out and the senior agent helped the little boy to climb out.

Slowly, looking at his feet, he walked towards the door, where I stood, Rossi close behind and Reid following at a distant, looking worried, I knew his mind was working on overdrive.

"Hey, Sammy", I said when the boy passed me.

"Hello", he said but didn't look up, Rossi smiled politely and led him into the precinct.

Reid, who was a few paces behind them stopped next to me and asked me for a heads up.

"The husband is probably held in a secondary location, Garcia is running everything and we're waiting for the information on the bank account", I said and leaned against the wall, so that I could catch a bit of sun, "I'm worried about Sammy, I hope we'll find his parents alive"

Reid nodded and for a moment it looked like he wanted to say something but then he closed his mouth again.

"What?", I asked because I felt like he needed to say something and I wanted him to know that I would listen.

"I used to be a lot like him", he said, "I wonder why I'm not anymore"

To that I had no answer and it took me a while until I thought of something to say.

"Sammy is precious", I started, trying to make it come out right, "but I'm glad that you're not like him, I'm glad that you're you"

He smiled and then for some time we just stood there, enjoying a brief break and the sunlight. With the wind brushing over our heads mingled his whistle, it was a slow song, a beautiful tune and I listened for minutes before I asked him what song it was.

"It's something that Sammy played on the piano, I can't get it out of my head", he answered me, "It's really beautiful"

"Can you play the piano?", I asked, imagining his lean and long fingers traveling up and down the black and white keys.

"I never did but it's all based on math, so, I'm able to pick it up", he said and it didn't sound like he was boasting; that he could literally sit down and play the piano from the get-go, it was just a statement and I smiled at that notion.

"Maybe you should get a keyboard", I suggested and with that I left him to his thoughts, it seemed like he needed to be alone for a while.

oOo

"Hey, Reid", I called out to him through the deserted office.

The flight was still in my bones but I wasn't tired yet. We'd at least got Sammy's mother out alive, so he wouldn't grow up to be an orphan, loosing his father was hard, for his mother loosing her confidant would be even harder, but she had her life, she had her son. She would be able to carry on. She would have to.

Reid looked up from the stack of papers, he was organizing, standing at his desk.

"Rossi and I are going to play some video games, I was wondering if you wanna tag along?", I had an inkling that Reid wasn't really a one for video-games, technology-skeptic, that he was but he'd been so quiet on the plane, that I wanted to at least try and take his mind of...well, his mind.

"Thanks", he smiled, "but I have a keyboard to buy"

I smiled back and nodded and watched him wave and go. When he was at the door I called after him again and he stopped to turn back to me.

"Are you gonna play that song for me some time?", I asked him, smirking.

"Sure", he said and grinned.

"Hey, Ashley, what's taking you so long?", I heard Rossi's impatient bass coming from his office.

"Coming", I yelled back, my eyes still fixed on the slender silhouette of Reid who was getting into the elevator, until the doors closed and he was gone.

**Sooooo, I know this is a far stretch to make the little scene we've been given in CODA a Reid/Seaver-scene but hey, you know me, I'm a shippery-chip-chip...plus, since all of you who were awesome and reviewed said I should keep the AU scenes, I had to make it plausible.**

**Also, I'm not a big fan of that scene, I don't understand why Ashley would be so snappy, there's no indication why she'd act like that. I'd like to know why the writer's did that. But probably it was just to get some comic relief. Still stupid, IMHO.**

**Anyways, I hope you're still enjoying, I sure am.**

**Review, if you're awesome!**


	9. Nine oOo Valhalla

**Note: **This is a short one!

**oOWhole AgainOo**

**Chapter Nine**

_Valhalla_

I felt even more like an intruder than ever before. None of them had said anything but the moment I walked into the conversation between Penn and Emily in the ladies room, I knew that I was far, far, far from being one of them.

Naturally, I thought, Emily was clearly in some turmoil for God knew what and of course she wouldn't share that with me and that wasn't what bothered me. What bothered me was that I was – yet again – of no use to the team. I couldn't do anything to strengthen the ties, relieve the tension.

I knew that I would be able to do that eventually, once I'd been with them for longer, once, when I'd finally get a chance to prove myself but I was so impatient.

I was sitting at my desk, going through a pile of files and glanced over to Reid who was deep in thought, no novelties there.

Suddenly he looked up and caught my eye, I smiled and turned back to my stack of papers.

"Hey", I heard him say and looked back up, "you wanna get coffee?"

"Sure", I said and was already on my way to the kitchen when he stopped me.

"No, I thought down the street, I need some air"

I simply nodded and grabbed my coat in passing.

"Can we just leave like that?", I asked him when we were already in the elevator.

"If we don't stay away for too long", he answered and I hoped he was right, sneaking away from work to get coffee wouldn't look all too good on my already flawed resume.

"So this case is pretty exciting", I said when we arrived at the great lobby, "I mean, not that it's fun but...it reads like a murder-mystery, you know"

"It does", he merely said and I instantly worried that I'd let too much of my fourteen-year-old-Stephen-King-Fangirl out, "it's interesting to see what all of this does to you, how you really want to delve into these cases, you're really eager"

I didn't know what to say to that, except that we were getting back into the habit of profiling each other.

"Just", he said and stopped my thoughts in their tracks, " - and I don't want to sound patronizing, Ashley, just know that there'll come a day when none of this will excite you, one day you'll just wake up disgusted by the world, one day, when you have to solve the murder of a child or man-slaughter, things you've never ever wanted to see or even know about, one day you'll go to bed and the second you'll close your eyes, you'll see nothing but death"

"D'you think that's what's happening to Emily?", I asked because I suddenly had her haunted expression flickering through my brain.

"It's what happens to all of us", he said quietly and opened the door of the Coffee Shop for me, "but I know what you're saying"

"I've seen you talking to her this morning", I said when we were getting in line and just left it hanging in the air, I didn't dare to ask him what they'd talked about because it was none of my business but I was worried about Emily. I'd bonded greatly with her because she was nice to me and stepped up for me whenever Hotch was getting moody with me. I just wanted Reid to tell me that she was alright.

"Something's bothering her but she doesn't want to say", he said right after he ordered us two caramel latte macciato, the one coffee drink sweet enough for him and interesting for me to agree on.

"I told her about my headaches", he said after a while of leaving me to my thoughts.

I looked up from stirring my drink in surprise, it wasn't an unpleasant one, I was happy that he'd decided to share this not so unimportant bit of information with one of his senior colleagues.

"I told her she was the only one I've told", he said and he seemed guilty, I suppose he was expecting me to not get it but I did.

"You don't want us to talk about it behind your back", I said matter of factly and he just looked at me, wide-eyed that I knew, "I did that in college, I told three people about my father but I never let them know anybody else knew...information control, this way it never went further than the four of us and I knew that they wouldn't go around discuss my life when I wasn't around"

He remained silent and just went on to stare at me.

It was after half my cup of coffee that he spoke again.

"Am I that obvious?", he suddenly asked like a gunshot and I almost chocked up on my coffee.

"No", I laughed after I had swallowed, "Absolutely not. But I said it before and I'll say it again, we're kinda from the same planet, we've dealt with stuff. And similar in a lot of ways. That's why I was hoping we'd become friends somehow, because we're less alone with it. There's, well, two of us now"

He smiled now and I grinned back at him.

Truth is, he was about as obvious to me as math, which meant not at all. I could hardly ever decipher him but there were moments when he just acted exactly the way that I did and it was always when it had to do with our respective pasts. That's when he was clear as crystal to me, that's when he made absolute and total sense to me and I had the distinct feeling that it was these moments and insights that would one day be really important, maybe even vital.

**Meh, I think the writers are reading my story and try to make it impossible for me to continue this without going completely AU...brrr, I'm not a big fan** **of the way they're writing Seaver. I like the character and I think she has so much potential and they're just wasting it...**

**Anyway, as always, I know this is a stretch and we'll probably learn in the next episode that Seaver never knew about the headaches and that she also never knew JJ but if that happens, I'm just going to ignore it, deal?**

**Thanks every last one of you for reviewing and especially Carebear22xox for sending me a message that lastly made me st down and write this chapter :)**

**Review if you're super awesome!**


	10. Ten oOo Lauren

**oOWhole AgainOo**

**Chapter Ten**

_Lauren_

I strode across the yard with deliberate pace. The grass was a rich green and there was not a single cloud to keep the sun from shining down warmly. I couldn't understand any of it.

Emily Prentiss was dead. Despite our best efforts. We'd even saved her and then she didn't make it off the surgery table.

If I'd just been faster. There was something fishy about Doyle killing the little boy right away. I'd known that; felt that. But I was too sidetracked by trying to understand that the woman I'd gotten to know and like wasn't at all what she appeared to be. That she would start a relationship with a criminal. That she wouldn't tell her team, the ones she knew for five years and trusted, that she was – and they were – in danger.

But I understood her motivations, I couldn't deny that most of the things she did, I would have done. She was trying to get ahead of Doyle, she'd been his type. It was an assignment. And she probably wanted to keep us all out of harms way. I got that, too.

I shook my head with absolute resign. I could understand the things she did but I didn't understand why she had to die. I wanted to talk to her, wanted to tell her that I looked up to her, thank her for being so nice to me, for being a role-model. I wanted to scream because it was so unfair. She was a good person, a great agent. And now she was just gone.

The grave stones stood up straight, gray and silent witnesses to millions of people like me who were trying to make sense of senseless things.

Suddenly rough hands closed around mine and I blinked past the sunlight into Rossi's kind eyes.

"I should've known about the kid", I said, "We'd have found her before it was too late"

"You did all you could", Rossi said and held my gaze steadily, "This is not your fault"

I nodded but I didn't feel a lot better. From the corner of my eye I could see Reid and JJ, deep in conversation.

Something in my chest flared up painfully and I clenched my jaw for reasons I didn't fully understand.

We hadn't talked since JJ came to the waiting room in the hospital to tell us that Emily didn't make it. I could see that he was shook, as far as I'd known they were much like brother and sister and the loss of her must've weighed on him maybe even harder than on Penelope.

I wanted to help him and I wanted to be able to go to him to share this pain. But he'd went on to deal with all of it alone. And as much as I wanted, I knew I couldn't just walk up to him and demand that he and I talked about it and that, as friends, I felt like we ought to deal with it together.

But obviously he didn't function like that. He turned to JJ.

Which was fine. He knew her longer, they were great friends, she was helpful, she'd known Emily as long as him. She was able to give him some sort of relief.

Something spiteful inside of me just wondered who I was going to turn to. Rossi was of course the one who talked me through it mostly but there were certain things I didn't want to talk to him about, a certain portion of emotions no one but Reid would understand.

Probably the grief and sleep-deprivation of the last couple of days had me pretty brittle but maybe, and I didn't want to spend a lot of time on evaluating that possibility, I was just downright jealous.

We drove two miles to a restaurant surrounded by a lot of green and it was so warm that we could have sat outside. It was surreal. The world wasn't supposed to turn as usual. The sky should be gray, it should be freezing and raining. But the weather didn't care about its grieving-obligations. The sun shone like nothing mattered.

The food was exquisite but I couldn't eat, I had no appetite whatsoever. We were sitting at a round table, saying nothing, I guess no one could think of anything to say that wouldn't sound cold and flat. I finally stood up and excused myself to get some air.

Out in the yard was an oak tree with a tire-swing and I made my way toward it, sitting down and swaying absent-mindedly.

I had closed my eyes for a while when someone stepped into my sunlight and I blinked to find Reid towering over me.

We looked at each other, lips pursed and I let out a sharp breath and shrugged.

"This can't be real", I said and looked up to him.

"Is this seat free?", he asked me, ignoring that I had even said something and pointed to the other side of the tire.

He sat down, his back against mine after I'd nodded.

"I don't even know how to feel", he finally said and I could feel his back widen as he took a deep breath against me.

"Me neither", I said quietly, "It's not fair"

Tentatively, I let my arm fall into the whole of the tire and soon touched his elbow. He reacted faster than I would have anticipated, letting his arm fall next to mine and taking my hand in one swift movement.

This way, we just sat and I realized that all the things I wanted to say to him didn't necessarily need speaking out loud. He knew what I felt and I knew how lost he really was. It was hard to say it all, maybe even impossible to put it into words, so we didn't.

We just sat on a tire swing in an oak tree, holding hands. There was nothing else we could have done or said to make us feel any better.

**Thanks all the wonderful (and awesomely amazing) people who reviewed, you guys rock!**

**Also, I've decided to go on with my plan of ultimately getting these two together (I know I want it, do you want it?) and I will stick to my drift of going with the episodes but if at points the show doesn't go the way that works with this story, I will ignore the show.**

**Many of you have encouraged me to take this step and I'm happy for this, I'm glad that you will stick around even if this gets AU along the way.**

**So, thanks massive for that!**

**Let me know what you think! **

**I hope I gave Seaver the right amount of grief, myself, I'm kind of in shreds over Paget leaving because she is so uber awesome, it almost hurts but Ashley didn't know her so well but still liked her and so on and so forth...**

**PS: I know it's another short-ish chapter and they'll get bigger again, just...you know. Now it's short and simple and I got everything in there I wanted to be in there. Does this make sense?**

**Well, well, enough with the rambling. You know the drill.**

**Review if you're superawesomelygreatandamazing.**


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